There’s one real answer: the concussion protocol. In every sport (except, perhaps, baseball) it sucks. But that’s not so much dumb as dangerous. I don’t consider that a stupid thing about sports, rather a serious one that needs to be changed. It hurts far too many athletes and affects their lives outside of sports.
These things only affect the sports. They’re truly stupid things, and they’re not as serious topics. This is a fun piece, lighten up.
The NFL: Touchdown Celebrations Regulations
Come on. Touchdown celebrations are extremely entertaining. Watching a receiver or running back celebrating the fact they elevated their team. They know they did their job, and this is their in-season raise. It truly matters being able to celebrate.
It’s why we know who Victor Cruz is. See, if he didn’t have the signature salsa, we wouldn’t necessarily know he was. He wouldn’t have the same star appeal. The arc of this season, where he’s come back and been relatively good, it wouldn’t be the same.
As long as nobody is endangered, let the players do what they want. Yes, Randy Moss went too far when mooning Lambeau. But it there’s common sense restrictions (wow I believe too much in people’s common sense) celebrations would be fine. Those restrictions – nothing overtly sexual, nothing a player would let their five-year-old see.
That keeps the game family friendly, but allows the celebrations that attracted us to so many players. We love/hate Ochocinco and TO because of these celebrations. They’re star makers. Plus, just watch the joy on these players faces.
It would also help grow the sport. Watching grown men having fun would make more kids want to play the game. That’s going to be a big problem sooner rather than later.
So yeah, those touchdown celebration restrictions are dumb. Let TO grab his popcorn.
The NHL: The Salary Cap
I get it, fairness of the sport. Even distribution. But even with the salary cap, we’ve seen the same 4 teams win the last 8 Stanley Cups. No, not all teams can win the Cup. In fact, the most some can hope for is to lose in the Stanley Cup Finals. At least that seems to change from year to year.
So why not get rid of, or at least soften, the salary cap. Allow teams like Tampa Bay and Chicago to flourish. Let Canadian teams spend their money. Most of the time, teams will outbid them anyway. I know Chicago would be down to pay a luxury tax if it means being able to keep Panarin easier. I know many teams would be down with that if it meant keeping their stars.
It would also mean you’d see bigger increases in fanbases. Because teams would become bigger, and the biggest teams would become some of the most entertaining in sports. Honestly, imagine if Chicago tried to get the biggest free agent every year. Picture a team with Toews and Stamkos as its top 6 centers.
The sport would instantly become better for it. If you keep the hard salary cap floor, teams would stay relatively competitive. Plus, it means that smaller market teams have to treat their players better. It means that if Max Domi liked the team that drafted him that much, he could stay for less money like Stamkos did.
Plus teams don’t necessarily like paying the luxury tax. Some would avoid it, and still try to be cap compliant. It would mean somewhat better distribution. The teams that are dying soon are the teams up against the salary cap. Imagine if you let Tampa and Chicago continue thriving. Imagine how good Chicago would be with both Hartman and Shaw. And Saad for that matter. That’s a hell of a good team.
Having a softer salary cap doesn’t necessarily mean teams would be openly pursuing everybody. It also doesn’t mean players would have to leave their teams. It just means that the teams that wanted to spend money could. Canada and Chicago, the biggest markets, would thank you.
The NBA has a soft cap, the MLB. They haven’t necessarily suffered.
The NBA: The Ability to Create a Superteam
This could also be that one player makes all the difference.
One player leaving the team isn’t the biggest deal in any other sport. Even when that player is the biggest or second-biggest player. You can overcome a quarterback leaving. Green Bay, Denver, Indianapolis, even Minnesota, they’ve all done it.
What you can’t overcome is your power forward/small forward leaving. Screw you KD.
Because basketball relies on the smallest number of people in sports. One player leaving makes all the difference in the world. Suddenly the Oklahoma City Thunder have gone from a 60 win team to a 40 win team. From Championship favorites to playoff questionable. And it all rides on that one person.
And because one player makes all the difference, it’s easy to create a “super team” out of only three-four players. With Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, and Draymond Green, the Warriors couldn’t win back to back championships. But with the addition of KD, they become super-mega-ultra-favorites to win not only this year, but every year that group remains in place.
The same thing happened when only three players joined together in Miami.
One player making all the difference doesn’t happen in any other sport. And maybe it shouldn’t in basketball either.
Also, if three players joined together in hockey, yeah, cool, that’s good. But Crosby, Malkin, and Kessel couldn’t do it all by themselves. They needed Matt Murray, Kris Letang, Olli Maataa, Nick Bonino, Carl Hagelin, Connor Sheary, and many others to win.
Tom Brady needs Rob Gronkowski, his offensive line, Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, LeGarrette Blount, and a whole defense and special teams.
There needs to be at least seven great players in baseball. Speaking of which:
The MLB: No Clock
Baseball is the only sport without a clock. Which means it can drag on forever. FOREVER. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
And part of that is there’s no reasonable way to install a clock. You can’t put it on a batter’s appearance because what if the clock expires and they’re at 3-2. You can’t put it on an inning because there’s so much that could happen in one.
But here’s what you can put it on. When a pitcher is not being changed, put a clock on the time between pitches. That way, they have to throw the ball back quicker, and it gets the game going faster. It also means that pitchers will need more endurance.
But here’s what else I’m suggesting: clock changes per inning. For every inning a pitcher pitches, the more time between pitches they get. That means that if they start with 30 seconds, by the sixth inning they have a minute fifteen/minute and a half.
Get those pitches out there pitchers. Get em going. Let’s get this game over with. Maybe then you can grow the fanbase again.
Golf: Fuck your flag. Why does it exist?
Soccer: Oh god, score more. Maybe then you’ll be popular in America.
Curling: Really, is our best technology brooms? Still?
Tennis: The grunting. Stop having sex on the court. Or get more creative with it. Your choice.
The Olympics: Learn to live stream.
Lacrosse: Yeah Lacrosse. I got your number. Get a bigger audience. You’re actually one of the more entertaining sports, but I can’t talk about your Major League Lacrosse with anybody. Get bigger why don’t you.
Rugby: Stop being unnecessary Australian football. We already have football.
Polo: Ugh, the goddamn concept. “Yeah, I have a good idea, lets hit these bocci balls with golf clubs while riding a horse”. White people.