It’s Halloween, which means candy is pouring out of your neighbor’s houses at an unprecedented rate. Children gather all the candy they can to rot their teeth and satisfy their sugar cravings. Dentists everywhere are getting ready for a busy holiday season. “This is when we make our money,” they think to themselves, content. This must be their favorite time of the year.
But there is a lot of candy. And many types of it. Not all these candies can be the best. Not all of them can be the worst. So, presented to you, along with visual display, is the best ranking of candy you will ever see.
Why Are You Doing This?
So. What purpose do these serve? Why do they exist? Perhaps most importantly, why do people keep giving these out. I’m unashamed to say whenever one somehow used to end up in my bag at the end of the night, I threw it out. Disregarded it. Which might make it seem like I didn’t try it. I did. Never again.
Alright, these things don’t know what they’re going for themselves. If you’re a fan of circus peanuts, let me ask you a question. What flavor are they? What are they going for? I had some growing up, and was a massive fan of the texture. And then the flavor kicked in. There are better ways to satisfy your craving for a pillowy candy item.
As this list goes on, you’ll learn somethings about me. Let me start you with: I’m not a fan of things that are too hard to chew. I want to get my candy into my bloodstream as quickly as possible. I’m not going to sit and wait for a candy, with the exception of a good lolly.
Bazooka Gum/Double Bubble
Seriously, the hard thing. Why the hell is your gum hard? What are you doing wrong? The whole idea of gum is to chew it and enjoy chewing it. You want the flavor of the gum as well, but people keep chewing long after the flavor is gone. So why the hell would you make a gum people break their teeth on?
Alright, I’ve had these candies before and I don’t remember them. That’s about all you need to know.
Atomic Fireball/Hot Tamales/Cinnamon
Stop making children eat hot candy. You know what flavor sensations don’t go together in a candy? Sweet and spicy. So cut it out.
Raisins in chocolate. Chocolate’s regrettable one night stand. Thought it was their ex, called it by the wrong name the entire time.
The Just Alright
I grew up in a proud Twizzlers family. Red Vines are therefore inferior products that are both too chewy and carry too much of an aftertaste. But they’re still pretty good red licorice.
Besides the pretty colors, it’s not much doing. But colored sugar is always fun.
Gross. But also, for the first five, quite delicious.
Takes the worst things from both Shockers and Sweetarts. Still better than a lot of candy though.
They have different flavors and do the banana pretty well. That’s what gives them street cred, but it’s still a short leg to stand on.
Now and Later
Too freaking hard, but the flavors are done right.
Too hard but it’s caramelly.
You have to suck on these forever, and at the end you can tell how long you’ve been sucking on them.
You have to suck on these forever, but having to taste a decent flavor for hours is better than Gobstoppers.
These go down quickly and are really satisfying when you’re in the mood for them. And I mean the ones coated in sugar, not the ones that come from actual fruit. Those are always good but are not candy. So stop giving out apples, Carol.
I’m actually a big fan of these old people hard candies. It’s a great butter scotch flavor, which gets underrated, and are one of the best long-lasting candies.
Too much wax, and there’s actual chocolate out there that makes you happier. Hell, Hershey’s themselves makes better chocolate. I feel like the only time Hershey’s plain chocolate bars are only appropriate after a July campfire. Even then, Hershey’s with almonds might serve you better.
Good and Plenty
It’s the only acceptable black licorice candy to be handed out at Halloween. At the same time, you shouldn’t be handing out licorice at Halloween. Anise is a good flavor, but clashes with the better ones Halloween offers.
Better chewy, Lifesavers are a long-lasting candy that’s actually worth the time and effort. But there are better flavors in their own brand than the fruit variety.
Chalk, but good tasting chalk.
Chocolate and peanuts, which you think wouldn’t be wrong. But these are too garden variety, and also remind me tooo much of Raisinets.
Is the paper edible? I’ve never quite figured that out. Yes, I’ve tasted the paper, who hasn’t when eating candy buttons? At the same time, droplets of rainbow-colored sugar is great.
See what I mean? Nerds are just smaller, paperless candy buttons that overdo the tangy/crunchy bit. Still, a box of these are an easy, fast eat.
Just downing pure sugar.
These are better when you’re a child, because as an adult with taste buds that have come into their own, yuck. But at the same time, nobody gives these out at Halloween anymore and it’s a pretty good trick or treat item.
The whole purpose of these is to be sour. Something I love. But this is one of the worst ways to do it. Yes, it’s trying to melt your face, but couldn’t the flavors be better while doing so?
It advertises as six feet, which it isn’t. But it’s still really good, quite adictive gum. It’s also one of the more acceptable ways of handing out gum at Halloween.
These are the best version of gum drops, but get hated on for how much they stick to your teeth. While that’s a fair criticism, I’d still like a box of Dots every once in a while, so the sacrifice is worth it.
Fun Dip can be eaten the proper way – licking the stick, then dipping it, then licking again. Repeat. But it can also be eaten by just downing the powder like a pixie stick. Neither way is wrong, but then you’re left with a weird, bone-looking dipstick.
Unfortunately, we’re doing brands, because there are several different flavors of Laffy Taffy. Their collective average is dragged way up by the hard-working, determined and beautiful banana flavor that’s one of the best non-chocolate candies in the world.
These are much better in England, probably because of a change in what’s supposed to be in candy. Still, on this side of the pond, the Cadbury Egg is… fine. Cadbury chocolate is still good chocolate, but the cream flails.
I like every flavor of Airheads, including Mystery, which works in its favor. But after a while, the spiky taffy can get annoying.
Worse than their other counterparts, Gummi Bears will still get the job done, and a good handful, the way they’re dished out in their individual packets, are good every once in a while.
Much, much better than the wax lips. These actually have worthwhile flavors and can be drowned without needing to eat or make your mouth go near the wax.
These do smarties better because the wafers are bigger yet thinner, and each flavor is actually different. There’s also a reason that the chocolate brown got its own roll.
Peanuts and caramel. A simple combination with a little too much salt.
Very much lives up to the back half of its name. Still, I can spend some time chewing on each of its chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavors. I’m on the better-in-the-freezer side of the debate.
Mike and Ike
A thing that is done better a lot, but is also done worse. The texture of these works with the flavors, and it’s a good occasional treat. But we’re aiming for better than occasionally good.
Milk Duds are also chewy, but its chocolate chewy, and they’re really nice. I’ve run out of descriptive descriptions right now, but Milk Duds are a decent candy.
Too hard to chew, but the flavors are good and that makes it get to this category.
Its gimmick is actually fun and the flavors are actually good. This would be much higher if half the candy didn’t get stuck in the packet every single time.
The oddest lollipop on the market, the Ring makes it fashion as much as function. I’ve ended up chewing on too many of these, which is what makes me biased against it.
A lesser lollipop because it contains lesser gum.
Fat-free is no longer a good thing, but Swedish Fish are still doing their best in this world, trying to get people to eat their delicious red fish.
Better than a Hershey’s bar because you can eat a lot of them without feeling bad.
I’m a mint fan, so Andes, who does this well, gets an upgrade on this list than they do on others. They’re not given out enough and I haven’t seen them for too long, which puts them lower on this list.
Do you like coconut? Do you like chocolate? Then you’ll like Mounds. Coconut just isn’t in the top class of chocolate-coated foods in my opinion.
Much better than their bear-shaped counterparts, these can be good either sour or sweet. Both are long and chewy and good in ice cream.
Almond Joy is Mounds with a crunch, which makes it so much better than the just-coconut.
Crispy wafers are better than coconut and a limited range of flavors. They do steal a good amount of chocolate with that letter-carving thing, though.
Candy Corn/Candy Pumpkins
It goes classic yellow, black-bottomed, and pumpkins when ranking from bottom to top. Still, each of them is good, and they’re underappreciated in today’s society. Too many hating on them for no reason. “It’s candlewax” they say. “It doesn’t taste like anything”. Both are untrue, and the honey flavor does shine through.
The last of the good, Mr. Goodbar is “common peanuts” in chocolate. That about describes why that combination in the bar is only good, not great.
Nonpareils are really good with chocolate, especially milk chocolate. There’s also always a million of these in a packet because they’re so small. Best pound for pound in terms of amount.
Peanut Butter M&Ms
There are two better versions of M&Ms, and there’s also a better version of peanut butter pieces made by a rival candy company. So these M&Ms bottom out. And the bottom of M&Ms is still great.
Again, there exists better chocolate in the world. Still, the classic status that Tootsie Rolls have gained is hard to earn, and its well kept.
Sour done right, but these aren’t getting the coverage they used to. Lemonheads can be hard, they can be chewy, and for once, either way, it works.
More well done than peanut butter M&Ms, less well done than the big brother. Still, peanut butter in a candy shell is a decent taste.
Jelly beans are almost perfect, because each of their flavors offers something different, and they can be good by the handful besides individually. Still, I’d rather have other flavors in my mouth than a punch bowl.
Starbursts are dragged down by lemon and dragged way up by strawberry, cherry, and a bit by orange. The average is a great candy, better when you get multiple flavors that aren’t the lemon.
Better than the original tootsie roll, because Tootsie pops contain that same roll in the center of a flavorful lollipop. Best flavor is easy, easily the chocolate. Then the red-wrapped. Can’t remember sometimes whether it’s cherry or strawberry.
Peanuts, caramel, and nougat. That’s a pretty good combination, and it’s placed in the center of solid chocolate. The lesser cousin of Snickers, though.
100 Grand Bar
It sounds like a great concept. Crisped rice, chocolate, and caramel. Like a Crunch bar with caramel. It doesn’t get around enough, though. Needs to be less prim and join the masses.
Stop hating on my Peeps. They’re marshmallows coated in colored sugar. Take them for what they are and enjoy them. Are they better for Easter? Absolutely. Does that really matter? No. Marshmallows are great at all times of the year.
Sour Patch Kids
Sour keeps kicking, and sour patch kids are the best sour candy on the gummi level. Yes, they beat out gummi worms. Because, again, you can eat more of these and feel less guilty. All about that guilt level this Halloween.
It’s really simple and that’s what makes it good. Nougat in chocolate. Hard to do wrong, and 3 Musketeers doesn’t.
Skittles are the best of the multiple-fruit candies made to be eaten by the handful. But there’s a better variation on their success made under the same brand name.
Malt balls are an excellent candy, especially as we move towards the holidays. Whoopers gets the mass-produced malt balls done right.
The second step up on the M&Ms ladder, original M&Ms are an easy candy that tastes good. You can eat one at a time or a whole bunch rapidly. That’s a successful candy.
York Peppermint Patties
These are a one and done deal, but the mint is great and I like spine-chilling foods.
Caramel in an oddly shaped, bite-size package. You could eat a roll in one sitting, which is both a good and bad thing.
Again, super hated on = super underrated. It’s crispy peanut butter with good chocolate in a bright yellow package. It’s the ultimate Simpsons candy, which is why Bart Simpson used to endorse it. I’ll take it out of an unguarded bin every time.
Cookie bars. It’s candy with cookies. And caramel. Literally, the only way they could make Twix better is if they made a chocolate chip version of their cookie wafer.
Snickers’ secret is that they’re too much at once but they make it a worthwhile candy by having some level of nutrition. I don’t think Snickers satisfies hunger, but satisfying cravings is a perfectly suitable job well done.
Welcome to the top 15.
Caramel with cream done better and longer than other brands. I can eat like five of these at one time, but I feel guilty doing so. I don’t want that guilt Cow Tales!
Bricks of compressed sugar colored and flavored. I can’t stop myself from taking them out of the neck, and it’s gone within an hour. Then you’re leftover with a freaky head-stick, but I still like them.
Twizzlers are strawberry licorice and that’s why they succeed. It’s a great licorice, it’s nice tasting, and you can eat a package in a go. Texture’s nice too, and they’re fun.
Lollipops that are small enough that you can take down a few. Flavor rankings could be its own separate article, but a good top five contains Cotton Candy, Root Beer, and Butterscotch. Those three play a big part in getting Dum-Dums this close to top 10 status.
Puffed rice in chocolate, done pretty much the same way. I like the smaller size of the Krackel but I like the raised texture of Crunch. Crunch takes the cake, but again, they’re both really good.
Tootsie Rolls (Flavored)
The blue Vanilla brings this candy kicking and screaming to the top 10. That vanilla might be the best “one or two pieces” candy in the world. The one or two in a bag at the end of the night is the best item, but there’s the definite feeling that more than that may be too much.
Plus, the brand is brought down again by lime and lemon, and orange and cherry are in the middle. It’s all about that vanilla.
Soda-flavored candy. It’s brilliant. Bottle caps have the same texture as Sweetarts, so they fit really well in with other candies, and every flavor is exciting. But cola and orange beat the rest.
The only toffee candy on this list, this bar has claimed and carved its niche and does a great job catering to it. I put them together because I’m 98.5% sure that they’re the same candy marketed to different parts of the world. It’s unique and the fact that it breaks so easy is nice after a list full of hard to chew items.
Sour Skittles are 100% better than any other kind of Skittles. The sour parts of the candy work really well, and the fact that the coating can be eaten after the fact is also helpful to its rating. Plus, they have flavors that work in sour situations.
Butter Rum Life Savers
You ever had one of these? It’s like the kids’ Werther’s Original, and it would make total sense to me why old people eat hard candy if this is what each of them tasted like. I’ve been through many rolls.
Chocolate, nougat, and caramel. Gets the simple part of the 3 Musketeers bar but does it better with the simple addition of melted sugar. It really reminds you that all we’re eating here is sugar taking different forms.
And so do these. Shockers are the best parts of the sour world and the chewy tablet world. They are the best Wonka candy hands down, even with the unnecessary rebranding. They’re too good to be affiliated with Sweetarts.
Mints win out. The best of them will always claim a top spot on my lists. A top two ice cream flavor for me is Mint Chocolate Chip. The other is vanilla. That’s unimportant right now. Junior Mints are great, bite-sized bits of mint, with a great dark chocolate coating. The only problem is that some of them get stuck in the box, every time. Learn how to make them less sticky, Tootsie.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Peanut butter in a round form with a nice wavy rim. Eat a million of these without guilt because they’re just too good to make you feel bad. Sometimes all you need is a pie-type peanut butter cup.
Three solid layers form to make the most eatable candy the world’s ever seen. Peanuts. Chocolate. Candy shell. That’s all you need, and the peanuts shine, the chocolate shines, and you get to break something with your teeth. It’s top-shelf and it does the salty/sweet combo right.