Weirdly, I’ve never seen anybody write this post. I say oddly because it’s a creative piece, but with how often people refer to the sports world as “universes”, people ought to have written this piece.

Anyway, lets look at the hockey world as a universe. What are the planets? The stars? The moons? Whats no longer a planet, aka what’s the hockey world’s Pluto? (hint: its Atlanta)

Let’s actually start there. Yes, Atlanta is Pluto. Just can’t stay a planet, but people keep trying. Heard what happened to Atlanta? Messed up, right?

Stars

The Solar system of hockey revolves around two distinct stars: these are Kingston, Ontario, and Chicago, Illinois.

Kingston happens to be the halfway point between the two biggest markets in hockey – Montreal and Toronto. The Habs and Leafs are both stars unto themselves, but their centripetal forces, their gravitational pulls, have forced them to become one massive star. Which just happens to be the first capital of Canada.

Chicago has the largest American fanbase, and as the NHL slowly rotates more and more around America, Chicago’s sun slowly grows, expanding to rival Kingston. Chicago is also in the middle of the country, close enough to Minnesota and New York but also with a rivalry with the Kings. Which will be important, well, now:

Planets

There are several planets in the Hockey Universe. These are locations that are not big enough to be stars, but too big to be classified as moons or planetoids or comets.

Planets in hockey include New York, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia (twin planets), Minnesota, Washington, and St. Louis. That’s in descending order of size.

New York includes both the Rangers and the Islanders. They were competing planets, not on friendly terms, when they collided and grew together. It’s a very lumpy planet, as both franchises can still be clearly made out. Many rings surround the lumpy sphere, none of them new.

Los Angeles is a newer planet, one still forming. As it attracts material from around it, competing with other planets in other dimensions like the LA Basketball Planet where the monsters from Space Jam are from, it grows and grows. New rings have formed around it, and the people of the Kings planet marvel at them as if they’re the only ones to have them. They don’t like to look at the sun, and can’t really due to smog build up.

Boston is an older planet, and is jealous of the planets that were formed at the same time and were rapidly eaten by stars. They don’t like their sun at all, but aren’t very happy with the other one. Their rings are all also older, but they still cling to the one that was formed recently. There’s not a lot of defenders on the Bostonian planet, and the ones who are there are much older.

Detroit is a planet without a lot of hope, still desperately clinging to their magical past. They have grown many rings, but many have left their planet recently. There is a need for a new wave of Detroiters, but Detroit is still far too preoccupied with the past to understand that just yet.

The twin planets in the Pennsylvanian revolution are rapidly growing but still remain smaller. Pittsburgh, once a destitute planet, abandoned by their settlers, is now lush and filled with life, albeit awkward life.

Philadelphia was once much more successful, but recently have become jealous of the lavish life on Pittsburgh. Philadelphia has a bright future however, as the defenders of Philadelphia are common and of the highest quality. Philadelphia is also further from the sun, and therefore hates it for not providing warmth.

Minnesota likes to call itself the planet of hockey. It is widely known that it is, in fact, not. It hates the sun, and its people are unexciting, cold, and polite. They should actually exist with the Kingston sun, but they’re still technically part of the American galaxy, albeit one of the better parts. They also jam out to some of the best music in the hockey universe, with their artist having been god-given and god-taken away.

The Capitals are known for their star attacker, the good ship Ovechkin. The people of Washington revere the ship, and it is one of the very few things they have going for it. They are dealing with a curse, and have been for years. The curse: whenever Washingtononians are entered into a tournament, they’re always out by the second round. But every year, Washington has hope.

St. Louis sucks as a planet. It’s bleak and its people are loathsome and they root for all the wrong teams. Strange, considering they are the planet most warmed by the sun, as they are closest to it and have regular interactions with it.

Moons

Carolina, Columbus, New Jersey, Buffalo, Anaheim, and San Jose make up the various moons of the largest planets. Carolina is a shared moon of Washington and the Floridian Planetoid, Columbus is the moon of the Pittsburgh Penguin, New Jersey and Buffalo rotate around the many-ringed New York planet, and Anaheim and San Jose around the overrated Los Angeles planet.

Carolina chooses its own path, not close enough to either of its ownership planets to have a proper revolution. But its too small to be its own planet, so it alternates between Washington and the Floridians. When in retrograde around Washington, the Carolinians are peaceful, and are threats in tournaments. When revolving around Florida, they are in times of unrest and are not extended invitations to tournaments and games.

Columbus rotates around Pittsburgh, the only thing to do so. The Columbians are a civil people, but ones prone to firing off cannons at uncivil hours. Nobody expects much from them, which is why their sudden re-emergence startles experts and analysts.

New Jersey and Buffalo are moons who get along a lot better with each other than they do with their planet. The two moons don’t have much to do with each other, which is why relations are so good. New Jersey had a much more productive and prosperous time than Buffalo has ever had, but that was decades ago. Buffalo’s future is brighter, but not by much.

Anaheim and San Jose, on the other hand, hate each other. But not as much as each hates their planet of Los Angeles. They believe, like the rest of the universe, that Los Angeles is far too self absorbed and not for good enough reasons.

San Jose’s people have not found much success in tournaments but are the most technologically advanced race. Anaheim is obsessed with childish entertainment, but are trying to free themselves of those roots.

Planetoids

Again, these are markets and teams too large to be classified as moons, but far too small to make it as planets.

Planetoids include the Floridians, Tampa Bay and the Panthers, which have combined to make one. There are also a few Canadian planetoids, such as Ottawa, Winnipeg, Vancouver, and the twin planetoids Edmonton and Calgary. Colorado, Dallas, and Nashville are also planetoids, made smaller because they rotate around the sun of Chicago.

The Canadian planetoids exist because of the smaller population in the Canadian galaxy. Too many are obsessed with the sun, so not enough are left over to settle and grow the planetoids. These planetoids are very close together, and care more for each other than do those in the American galaxy.

Vancouver is obsessed with twins. Winnipeg is all white because of snow, and all their people wear winter clothing at all times. Ottawa is the peaceful diplomatic planet, which governs all of the Canadian galaxy. Edmonton and Calgary hate each other, but in recent years the rivalry has died down as both have stocked up for the future.

The Floridians have combined, both very small, but their gravitational forces very strong. Lightning dominates half the planetoid, while the other half is roamed by large, feral cats.

Colorado, Dallas, and Nashville are very different planetoids, ones dictated by different systems and different pasts. But each of them share one similarity: a remarkable fondness for no last line of protection. If you get past their defenders, it is often times over.

Comet

There are but two teams classified as comets. They’re not planetoids, they’re not moons, they’re not permanent. These include Arizona and Las Vegas. I don’t expect either market to be around much longer, but I think the Coyotes remain in the state of Arizona, moving back to Phoenix. Once this happens, they will be a proper moon of the Colorado planetoid.

Unexplored Reaches of Space

These are the markets that could be possibilities later maybe. These include Quebec City, Seattle, Portland, Kansas City, Houston, and Wisconsin.

The universe must be explored further, and it starts with these visible reaches. Every planet wonders what life is like in these outer limits, and feel a sense of wonder when looking at them. Perhaps someday they could be part of the known and shared universe.