In case you need a distraction on the last day of the Obama administration, yes, today is the last day of our wonderful, rational President, here’s what the NHL should look like if only the states that DESERVED teams got teams. By deserved I mean voted for the right person, the one who wouldn’t ruin the country. I’m talking about the Blue states, cause red states sure as shit don’t deserve their teams anymore. I may even do a basketball one of these.
There’s going to be a lot more Canadian teams.
States that get to keep their teams:
Illinois and the Chicago Blackhawks
Illinois, you voted for Hillary Clinton, as well as two Democratic senators. Blackhawks remain yours. FUCKING RIGHT CHICAGO.
California and the San Jose Sharks, Los Angeles Kings, and Anaheim Ducks
California, you voted for an African-American woman senator in Kamala Harris, as well as overwhelmingly supporting Clinton. You keep all your teams.
Colorado and the Colorado Avalanche
Colorado, you voted to legalize weed first and now voted for Clinton in a sea of red. Congratulations, you keep your Avs. I still hate them though.
Minnesota and the Minnesota Wild
The State of Hockey is also the State of Democrats. While it was a close victory, congratulations Minnesota, the Wild are yours.
DC and the Washington Capitals
Washington DC is a blue district, and therefore get to keep their team. It doesn’t hurt that both the states near them were blue as well.
New York and the Buffalo Sabres, New York Rangers, and New York Islanders
The Islanders and Rangers both belong to the wealth of rationality that is New York City. Buffalo, while in upper New York, somewhat red, is still within a blue state. You keep all your teams.
Massachusetts and the Boston Sabres
You have Elizabeth Warren. You were never in any danger Bruins.
New Jersey and the Devils
New Jersey, you went with the New England rationality and good person-ness. You keep your Devils, but it’s time to rid yourselves of Chris Christie.
Teams on the Move:
St. Louis Blues: Missouri, you sons of bitches, you voted to join the Confederacy and Trump’s America. Good going, but now the St. Louis Blues are the Springfield, Illinois Blues until further notice. Now they’ll have something of substance to add to this video:
Arizona Coyotes: It seems like you want neither good government nor good hockey, Arizona. Congratulations, the Coyotes are now the Golden State Coyotes of San Francisco, CA.
Dallas Stars: Fuck you Texas. You’re going to be a blue state soon, and all your big cities voted blue, but you still went red you awful state. Mexico City Estrellas.
Florida Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning: Florida, you could have swung the election for Clinton. Instead, you were the first warning sign of what was about to come. You don’t want health care? You don’t want gun control after the Orlando massacre? Well then fuck you too. Quebec City Panthers (aka Nordiques) and Portland Lightning.
Carolina Hurricanes: neither of the Carolinas went blue this time, and I used to like North Carolina. Huh. Sucks to be Carolina, but it rocks to be Hartford, who gets their team back.
Nashville Predators: Tennessee, once the state of a Mr. Al Gore, is now trash. You’re a trash state Tennessee. You don’t deserve hockey. So instead, Providence gets an upgrade and the P-town Pirates are born.
Detroit Red Wings and Columbus Blue Jackets: let’s settle the old Ohio/Michigan rivalry right now: neither of you deserve hockey teams. Yes, even an original six team can move. Red Wings go up North and become the Hamilton Tigers while the Jackets go east and become the Baltimore Blue Jackets.
Philadelphia Flyers and the Pittsburgh Penguins: what happened to you PA? We used to be able to depend on you, to look on you favorably, but it’s clear you’ve changed for the worst. Therefore, it’s time for your teams to change for the better. The Penguins become the Vermont Penguins (Bernie’s favorite team), while the Flyers become the Kitchener Flyers.
Are these changes permanent? Who knows how these new markets will respond to their gifts. Kitchener is much smaller than Philadelphia, but the Canadian market but might be more raucous for hockey. Vermont is not Pittsburgh, but they’re a much better people, who don’t have any sports teams to go all syrupy about.
Some of them are definitely permanent. I don’t see Arizona becoming a better state (or market) anytime soon, so Golden State could be around a while. Same with Carolina, and Hartford still doesn’t have any major teams. I don’t see Tennessee getting better any time soon, but Providence may not be the market for that team, especially once Texas figures their shit out. Houston will deserve a team eventually.